I Wish I Could Forget
by Kainos Ktisis
Summary: Oneshot "It would be so easy to blame her for luring him away; or maybe to blame him for falling for her tricks; maybe I should blame the friends by my side for standing there and doing nothing. It would be easy to blame everyone but myself."


A/N: Hihi! Second one-shot for the masses. I don't know why I've been in the mood for doing one-shots lately. Angsty ones too, which is weird since I'm normally a sucker for fluffiness. I don't think this one is quite as depressing as the other one, but it's a different type of angst. This one is more psychological.

Anyway, like always, reviews will be warmly accepted and thanked. It would also be really great if anyone who reads this could read my other stuff too. :hint hint:

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, but are these really necessary?

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I Wish I Could Forget

I know how it works.

I've always known, as a matter of fact.

He fights with me, makes my tears flow fast and free, and then apologizes--well, as close to an apology as I can get anyway.

Then he goes to see her. He tells her that he will protect her for all time for he is still in love with her. He holds her cold, undead body in his arms and forgets about the danger that stands right in front of him. The danger that is manifested in her.

He forgets or simply doesn't care.

She tries to drag him into Hell to spend an eternity together in the bone-scorching inferno that is ever hopeless, ever bleak. She doesn't know that Hell is meant to punish and keep lost souls forever in despair. She doesn't know that even if she succeeds in dragging him down with her that they will never be together anyway because that's not how Hell works. If they are together, they would be happy. Hell does not allow happiness to exist. Thus, they cannot exist together.

She doesn't know that, but I do.

I try to tell him, but he is stubborn to a fault and will not listen to words of wisdom. The fool...the fool I wish I could forget.

She never succeeds in pulling him down into the dark abyss with her, and she eventually leaves. He mopes around for a long time before coming to me for comfort.

He showers apologies and promises he intends to break upon me and holds open his arms for me. And every time I think that this is the last time. I won't be the rebound girl anymore. I've had enough.

But every time, I fall into his embrace without resistance and listen to his false words of assurance as my hope rebuilds itself from the shattered pieces of previously broken dreams.

Then the cycle begins all over again.

It has not been broken for three years. When I say "it", I mean the cycle. My heart has been broken every time.

It makes me wonder how many times a person's heart can break before it can no longer function, can no longer love. I'm looking forward to that time. But, it seems like every time the pain only grows rather than decreasing.

Oh, how I wish I could forget...

Even though I know that the heartbreak that too quickly follows hope is just a minute's time away, I still throw myself headfirst into this self-created torture.

"Self-created?" you may ask. "How can torture be self-created?"

And my only answer is that I truly don't know.

It would be so easy to blame her for luring him away; or maybe to blame him for falling for her tricks; maybe I should blame the friends by my side for standing there and doing nothing. It would be easy to blame everyone but myself.

But therein lies the problem.

I can't blame anyone else because this foolery is something I inflicted upon myself.

As easy as it would be to blame the world for turning its back on me, it would seem that it would be even easier to leave this land of tears and sorrow, to never have even felt the pain that I have endured...Yes, so much easier.

But then again, now that I have tasted the bitterness and the addictiveness of love, can I turn my back on those I care for so easily? I believed at one time that I could...before I realized that I had left a piece of my shattered heart behind and had to go back to retrieve it. However, I retrieved it only to have it broken into even smaller shards.

I really wish I could forget.

I don't want to remember the times he held me in his strong arms and, with his actions, told more than words could ever say. I don't want to remember because those times are far too intermittent and far too brief.

The pain that usually accompanies this joy is too overbearing for me to handle.

So, I would rather forget it all, both the good times and bad. That way, what's left of my heart can heal in peace.

But I can't forget and my heart won't heal.

I know what you want to ask. They all want to ask the same thing.

You want to ask me, "What if she was never resurrected? Or what if you never shattered the Shikon Jewel? Better yet, what if you never fell down the well?"

Don't try to deny it. I know you want to know.

Truth is, I can't answer those questions. And do you know why? It's because there is no such thing as "what if." It's pointless and sometimes depressing to think of the possibilities that could have been if certain things hadn't happened the way they had.

True, we may speculate all we want, but that doesn't make these speculations any more true or reality any less real. The present is made up of millions upon millions of choices that we chose or were chosen for us and if even a single choice is altered, our future would not be the way it is.

Who knows? Maybe I would have gotten hit by a car on the way to school had I not fallen down the well first, though that might not have necessarily been a bad thing. Or maybe I would have be stuck in Feudal Japan with a blood-thirsty hanyou on my tail and learned to become a great miko had I not shattered the Shikon Jewel. Or maybe...maybe I never would have found love--as one-sided as it may be--had she not resurrected. I honestly don't know. No one will know.

But you know what? I still wish I could forget.

The great thing about time travel is that you think you're going back in time to change to past so that the future may be altered. Yet, what you end up doing only corresponds to the past history and the future has not changed. If one succeeds in changing history then that person may no longer exist in the future and cannot be present in the past. Thus, this person would be wiped off the face of this planet and any trace of his/her being no longer subsists. This person, in essence, though he/she might have changed history as we know it, will never be remembered because they never came to be.

I wish I could change the past. Then I will longer exist and be a burden to those I love. But what would I change?

I know...I would make it so that Naraku was never born from the flesh of Onigumo and countless demons. That way, their misunderstanding would have never happened and they could live happily together. Though I can't stand seeing them together, I want him to be happy for I'm happy when he's happy.

Sounds so cliche, doesn't it?

But...it's the sad truth that I've fallen in love with a man that doesn't love me.

Haha...that's so cliche too.

But that's how it is. My life reduced to nothing but a cache of cliches.

Doesn't it make you wish that I could forget too?

Yeah, I gotta admit it to myself as well. My life is pretty pointless.

There's been one question I've been afraid to ask myself all these years because I'm not sure I want to know the answer. I'm not even sure why I'm scared of this answer. Maybe it's because once I answer it, I can no longer run from my feelings.

But then again, I've already admitted that I love him. I've stopped running a long time ago. Then what am I afraid of?

What? You want to know the question? Oh right, I forgot to say, didn't I?

Well, the question is this: If I could go back and tell the me before I fell into the well one thing, what would it be?

Now I know I'm contradicting myself since I mentioned earlier that it was fruitless to think about "what if" questions, but I never said that I didn't think about them. Just because I don't like them doesn't mean I don't contemplate them.

What _would_ I tell myself? That I would fall in love with in irritable and utterly frustrating hanyou the moment I laid eyes on him? That his heart would forever belong to that of a dead miko and to forget about any chance I might even remotely have with him? That in the years following, I'd shed more tears than a normal person would in a whole lifetime?

What would I say?

What would _you_ say?

Maybe...maybe I would just tell myself to ignore Sota's call for help in looking for Buyo in the well house and just head for school. I could save myself so much heartache and suffering. I could still be the happy-go-lucky schoolgirl that I used to be and not the bitter and cynical person that I am today. I could live a normal life...only. without the love of my life.

I don't know. I just don't know.

The thing is, although I want to forget about a certain half-demon and undead priestess, I don't want to forget about all the others. I don't want to forget about all the great times I've had with Sango, Shippou, and even the Miroku, despite his lecherous tendencies. And though he's hurt me so much, I still find it hard to let go of Inuyasha.

I'm just a walking pile of contradictions, I know.

Hang on. I think I hear Inuyasha moping around again. Kikyo must have just left. Damn...that means he'll come looking for me now. I hate it that he comes to me for comfort when he's spurned by her while at the same time loving the fact that he trusts me enough to show some of his insecurities. But still...why...?

The cycle is nearing it's end now and I know it's only a matter of time before it starts all over again. It is an endless round that will never be broken until one of us actually works up the courage to break free from this servitude. Truly, we are all just pawns on a great game of chess between Good and Evil. Our choices are limited to what we are willing to bear and right now, I'm still not sure if I can bear the loss of Inuyasha.

Thus, I will stay chained to this cycle for a little longer...just a little longer.

I'm still not sure what I would say to myself if I had the chance, but I believe that it would be best if I say nothing at all and let nature take its course.

Although sometimes I wish above all things that I could just forget, I know that in my heart I can never--nor am I willing to--forget.

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A/N: I know, some of the things I mention are a little warped (especially regarding Inuyasha and Kikyo) but that's only because this is in Kagome's POV and how she understands their whole relationship. If I did this in Inuyasha's POV, things would definitely be different since his mind works and understands things differently from Kagome. 

Again, giving a call out for reviewers to report to my story....please....


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